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Post by Nille on May 9, 2013 1:37:09 GMT -5
Do you share the feeling of having crossed a divide when you acknowledged your current status as "infertile"? How do you feel about leaving your hopes for an easy, "normal" pregnancy behind? What else do you sense yourself leaving behind?
Does the idea of drawing near to God comfort you? Leave you ambivalent? Apathetic? Alarmed? What are those feelings based on? Can you imagine them changing - or has infertility simply reinforced them?
Does anything in your infertility experience compare to Sarah's trajectory? Have you been obsessing? Worrying? Fearful? Do you see how those emotions may have moved you away from God? Attachments:
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Post by Nille on May 19, 2013 0:48:46 GMT -5
It is such a frustrating thing to try and fail. After we had been trying for 15 months I returned to the doctor and was diagnosed. I remember trying to talk to my girlfriends about the doctors referring us to an infertility clinic they laughed it off and said no, I don't think you are. They all were considered experts because they had kids. Instantly I felt isolated from them and ashamed to talk about it(and now, we are casual friends not the close friendships we once shared). My older sister posted a comment about our infertility on her facebook page and started a major fight. I was devastated about the thought of infertility and she had just outed us for all of facebook, it was embarrassing. I almost felt like she had posted a naked picture of me on her wall. After 5 years it's not taboo for me anymore but that is not to be confused with saying it doesn't hurt. Identifying ourselves as infertile is new for me. After a mean comment from my grandmother I sent an email to everyone in our family basically letting them know we need support not put down and since then I'm not shy about it.
At this point I don't stress about not having an "easy" or "normal" pregnancy. I stress about never having one and worry that we're too late. I get panicked about every month that goes by and I'm not ok with the thought of never having kids.
The idea of drawing near to God was comforting the first few years. Now I am definitely more ambivalent, apathetic and frustrated. How is it that so many unprepared and incapable people are able to have babies and we can't? I know a lot of my feelings boil down to traumas within my childhood and the feeling that I wasn't suppose to be here, I was the mistake. I don't imagine my feelings changing but I have been working on trying to change them. Infertility has definitely reinforced the feeling that I'm not suppose to be here for me it's become the confirmation. I hate my body, it has been letting me down since I was 2. On one hand I know that is irrational but on the other hand in my dark moments it makes perfect sense.
I don't feel like I can be compared to Sarah because God never promised me a child, other than the desire to have a child and being unable to, I don't see a connection. I try not to obsess but definitely have my moments. The doctors make me feel panicked and every pregnant woman or baby I see is hurtful and that hurt turns to fear. Let's face it God cannot answer everyone's prayers and there is a reason right? (we hope). I use to believe and see a future with a family and kids but as our prayers haven't been answered, 60 months of failure, I can't see the dream I once did. I see how infertility drives a wedge between all relationships including those connected to faith.
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